Closure

Lately the theme issue from my clients in my private practice is seeking "closure" from people they love who aren't able to love them back.  I used to think I knew what "closure" meant.  But since training in RRT what comes to mind is a solid door closing.  Nothing more nothing less.  So the other day, yet another client, was talking about the need for closure and I just asked "What is closure?"  Of course I received a perplexed facial expression from my client.  So I started first by explaining I really didn't understand what people thought closure was and then asked "What would it take for you to have closure?"  I just couldn't figure it out so that I could understand it in a way that was allowing me to be more effective at helping her.  Her answer?  She needed to know WHY he was doing what he was doing.  Oooohhh that makes more sense, sort of. 
Let me give a quick and dirty version of why people are doing what they do...from my perspective.  We all come with a genetic make up.  As for as I understand we don't, nor does anyone else, have a way to change our genetics.  Those genetics influence how we respond to things.  Not completely but partially.  Second we have had all kinds of experiences in our life...we call that environment.  As children we don't have a way to "choose" our parents thus we don't have any control over our environment.  Sometimes our experiences are traumatic.  Those traumatic events leave impressions on our subconscious mind.  (This is the part of the mind 100% responsible for emotions, behaviors and a big percent of our thoughts) Those impressions then influence how we respond to other situations in our environment...
Let me simplify here.  We have an acorn, it has it's genetic code already set in it's shell, we plant that acorn in the ground and leave it alone for 15 years.  Due to it's genetics and the weather for the past 15 years it grows so big and tall, and has so many leaves and branches.  It couldn't have grown any different than it did.  Now if a storm comes along and blows a branch off the tree couldn't have done anything to NOT loose the branch and because of atmospheric conditions the storm couldn't have NOT happened.  So it happened the only way it could of happened.
When you ask someone why they did what they did and they say "I don't know."  Likely it was a subconscious response to their environment.  Truly...they don't know exactly why they did it but due to their genetics and their environment that's the only way they could of done it.  It's not that how people do things is always to our liking...but there was "atmospheric" conditions in their life that caused them to do what they do. 
I'm by no means saying this is the absolute truth.  It's just a way to look at people's behaviors that makes more sense to me than other theories of human behavior.  And because of this view point I'm not sure anyone will ever get the "closure" they are looking for.  Why?  Because once you get one "why" answered another just crops up.  So let's just simplify...people do what they do based on genetics and environments; sometimes we know and can see the cause...many times we can't...
Be well, Be happy-
Tara S. Dickherber, LPC
Certified Rapid Resolution Therapy® therapist
Executive Director of the Institute for Survivors of Sexual Violence™

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